i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There's always time for handjobs
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
