Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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