Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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