broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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