Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
