True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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