You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
