god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
