I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
