i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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