if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
