So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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