I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
