Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize