Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
