nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
