My liver just broke up with me...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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