I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
