Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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