I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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