i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
