I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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