I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
