11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
