This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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