Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
