I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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