my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
