Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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