I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
