my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
