my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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