need another drink. this is the easiest way
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
