She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I'm really busy with my period
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