That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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