the condom got lost in my hair
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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