There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
