Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
