Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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