Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
