Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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