i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize