I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just cut my nipple shaving
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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