Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
