I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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