I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
