PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just pee around me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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