You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
