bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
