Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
