I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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