I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize