you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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