she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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