On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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