So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
