Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
