My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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